Words

Type A. High-maintenance. Aggressive. Passionate.

How often are those who are called these things told to "chill?" Wouldn’t things be better if they just relaxed a bit? Shouldn’t they just go with the flow? A bit looser, a bit more accommodating, a bit more flexible.

Can’t they just be nicer?

If you’ve ever been called these words or told to do these things, you’ve perhaps considered this. Maybe you should change your ways?

Don’t.

Don’t be nice.

Nice, But…

Niceness may not be the worst thing in the world, but it is certainly overrated.

To realize this, simply look at the times you’ve heard the word used to describe someone.

“You’re a nice guy, but we can’t offer you the job.” “She’s nice, but I wouldn’t date her.” “They were a nice group of people, but I’m not going to donate them money.” “My professor is nice, but they simply don't teach us anything.”

Nice, but…

Forget the dictionary definition. How does the word nice appear in context?

Nice doesn’t mean the presence of something good; it means the absence of something bad. It is a term used to describe someone when there is simply nothing else that sticks out.

If you’re asked to describe someone and all you can think of that they’re nice, what does that say? That they’re not a jerk. Great.

It is the ultimate, empty complement, said to avoid insulting… empty people.

That Which Matters

In all the people I’ve spoken to on this topic – men, women, young, old – I’ve heard a variety of views. However, there is one theme which has stuck out the most.

The biggest thing that turns people off from you in any relationship – whether it be romantic, friendly, or professional – is not when you’re rude or mean or annoying. It is also not a lack of shared interests; plenty of people in all kinds of relationships can be quite different yet get along.

No, the biggest turnoff is being boring.

Give people something to talk about.

Whether it’s a job interview, a first date, or any meeting with new people, you have to stick out.

But you can’t do that if, to avoid seeming arrogant, you instead bury the conversation in endless self-deprecation and downplay your skills and interests.

You can’t make an impression if you fear disagreement. So much so that you just smile and nod while the conversation passes you by.

You can fear being too direct about what you want, but you’ll never get what you want if you don’t have the courage to demand it.

We’re All High Maintenance

It is said that those who complain, have standards, focus on details, and expect things of people are “high maintenance.”

But isn’t that everyone?

Don’t we all have things that annoy us? Don’t we all expect something from people, at some point?

The only difference between the alleged Type As and Type Bs is that the former actually speaks up about it. They say how they feel while accepting that others may be hurt. They are direct.

Look at those in positions of great power in every government and industry in the world today. I guarantee you that each of these people has a certain group which hates them. Yet, there they are, in power.

It turns out that trying to please everyone and not hurt people’s feelings for the sake of being nice has rarely achieved anything. Meanwhile, data continues to emerge showing that disagreeableness is correlated with lifelong success.

Being Nice Real

Don’t be nice.

But more importantly, don’t feel comfortable when people say you’re nice. Stop viewing it as a high complement, as a form of social approval. Stop thinking that just being nice will get you a job, friends, or a date.

Most people have barriers in the way of what they want in life, and many of these are societally imposed.

However, the one thing we can control, to a certain extent, is our personality, and through it we can remove one of those barriers ourselves.

Niceness is that barrier – it is time to tear it down.